Lorne's Life Lessons
by Vicki595
Summary: Life doesn't turn out quite the way you imagined it.


**Disclaimer:** I am a student. I own a few textbooks and that's about it. Certainly not Stargate Atlantis or any of it's characters. I'm just playing.

**Warnings:** Babyfic?

**Lorne's Life Lessons**

**1. Marines are people too**

Colonel Sheppard approaches Lorne in the mess one morning, joining his table without asking. The Colonel has an awkward look on his face and Lorne tries to speculate as to the cause of it as he takes a mouthful of his coffee.

"Major," begins Sheppard, still looking pained. "Colonel Caldwell wants to know... well, he's asked me to ask you if you're dating Lieutenant Cadman."

The spit take is automatic and for a moment, Lorne is unable to answer as he chokes, waving off concern from several other expedition members.

"So, I guess I'm taking that as a no?" asks Sheppard dryly as he sips at his own coffee.

"No. I mean, yes, it's a no," says Lorne, still coughing. "I mean we run together fairly often and we train together once in a while, and yes, sometimes we hang out together, but it's not like that. We were drawing mustaches on McKay with sharpie, I mean, that's hardly a date activity. And okay, we watch movies together, but it's at movie night so that's not a date either. We're not dating, absolutely not. She's a _marine_, Colonel."

Sheppard smirks now, all earlier unease disappearing. "Funny, that's just what I told Caldwell."

* * *

Sheppard takes great delight in reminding Lorne about this conversation the day Lorne asks to be reassigned back to Earth.

Lorne can only shrug. "Turns out marines are people too, sir," he says. "And sometimes you fall in love with one."

Sheppard immediately signs off on the request.

.

.

**2. Life doesn't turn out quite the way you imagined it.  
**

Lorne sits on the back deck of the McKay's Nevada house, sipping on a beer and watching the sun set over the desert. McKay is waving his own beer bottle around as he rants on about the incompetence of some of the scientists he works with, while McKay's eldest son is playing quietly building a tower with blocks at their feet.

If anyone had told Lorne when he was still in Atlantis that one day he'd be sharing a beer with McKay, he would have laughed himself silly and then called for a psych consult on the person. Yet, he was, although he acknowledged that his presence there was more to do with his wife's friendship with McKay's wife rather than anything else.

Lorne's daughter, Madeline, runs out of the house, and Lorne immediately recognizes the look on her face as she spots the tower. He half rises out of his chair, calling out her name, but it is too late and the tower goes tumbling down. Madeline just giggles.

There is a wail of dismay from the little boy on the floor and Jennifer Keller flies out of the door, depositing their second child with McKay before she picks up the crying child, trying to soothe his tears. Laura follows her friend out of the house, focusing on Madeline and asking the little girl why she did it.

Madeline's answer is simple. "I wanted to make it go boom, Mommy."

Lorne hides his smile behind his beer bottle and McKay turns to him. "She really is her mother's daughter, isn't she?"

.

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**3. Getting caught **_**in flagrante delicto **_**is just as embarrassing at 43 as it was at 16.  
**

A little voice in the back of his mind is telling him that this is a bad idea, but he ignores it as Laura tightens her grip on his shoulders and her teeth on his neck bite down just a little too hard. He chokes back a cry and he's suddenly aware of a cool spot on his neck as her mouth moves to meet his.

He runs one hand up the smooth expanse of her leg. He knew he was in trouble tonight as soon as he saw that she was in a dress and this dress especially with its total lack of a back and a hemline riding so high that he momentarily forgot how to speak when he first saw it.

She's whimpering softly against his mouth and he's flushed and sweaty and...

There's a discrete cough from behind them.

** ...Especially when you're caught by a security guard**

The woman standing behind them is young and tall and unmistakably a security guard.

"Sorry to interrupt you folks," she begins, the hint of a soft southern drawl in her voice. She tucks an errant strand of hair behind one ear, looking slightly embarrassed. "But I'm gonna have to ask you to, ah, cease your activities and leave this area."

Lorne makes sure that he's covered and turns around, looking contrite and apologetic. "We're terribly sorry," he says, as Laura's hand slips into his and squeezes. His wife's body is pressed against him and her breath is hot on his neck and he tries not to shiver. "It's just, well, it's our fifth wedding anniversary and we don't have the kids with us, and, well, we just got a little carried away."

The guard holds up one finger and almost smiles. "You'd be surprised at how often it happens," she says. "But don't let me catch you again."

** ...In Disney World**

"You know, I offered you any restaurant in the area and we ended up here," Lorne points out, his hand loosely intertwined with Laura's.

She just laughs. "I seem to remember you promising Paris once upon a time, and this seemed like the closest we could get," Laura replies, pausing in front of the large lagoon in front of them. "You're not upset that I didn't want to get all dressed up and go out somewhere fancy?"

"Now, if you had wanted that, I'd have been asking who you were and what had you done with my wife," chuckles Lorne, pulling Laura's back against his chest and wrapping his arms around his waist. "Tonight was just perfect."

Laura's response was preempted by a booming announcement.

_"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. In fifteen minutes, prepare to be dazzled by a spectacular sight as EPCOT presents, _IllumiNations: Reflections of Earth_ over the lagoon."_

"And we even get fireworks to finish it all off," adds Lorne.

Laura turns in his arms, bringing one hand to the back of his head and pulling it down for his lips to meet hers in a fervent kiss. After they break apart for air, Lorne's eyes are slightly glazed and Laura smirks. Her hands move to take his and she tugs him away back towards the replica of the Eiffel Tower. He just stumbles after her.

"_My _idea for a finale," she murmurs, "also involves fireworks , but of a different kind."

.

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**4. Speaking of Disney World, ten trips (in a row) around **_**It's a Small World**_** should have been included in the Rome Statute as a crime against humanity.  
**

"Again, Daddy! Let's go again!"

Lorne groans. "Again, Mads?" he asks. "We've just been on it a hundred times."

"No, we've only been on it nine times," Madeline says seriously, tugging him back towards the start of the ride. She looks up at him, her eyes wide and he knows he's lost this argument before it's even started. "You're just being silly, Daddy."

"But there's so many other rides around," he suggests, glancing around for inspiration. "What about Peter Pan? Or the carrousel? How about Dumbo's flying elephants? I tell you what; I'll let you beat me on Buzz Lightyear. How about that?"

"But Callum likes this ride too. And he's too small for Buzz," Madeline declares as they rejoined a line which was far too short to provide any sort of respite. She points at her baby brother who is happily babbling away to himself in his mother's arms to what sounds like the insidious tune of the ride.

"Making this the first time ever that she cares what her brother likes," Lorne murmurs to his wife as they rearrange themselves in the front row of the little boat, expertly steering Madeline to the seat in between them, despite her token protests.

Laura laughs and leans over their daughter's to kiss him. "I'll make it up to you tomorrow night," she promises, as the boat lurches forward.

_"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears. It's a world of hopes, and a world of fears."_

Lorne just shudders.

.

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**5. Naming children is **_**hard**_

When Lorne and Laura's eldest, Madeline, was born, she was 'Baby Girl Lorne" for the first week of her life. In her parent's defense, she _had_ been born a month early and with Lorne being in Colorado and Laura in California, naming her had been a work-in-progress.

They hadn't made the same mistake when Laura discovered that she was pregnant again. Before she'd even gone in for her twenty week ultrasound, they'd decided on Jessica Anne if they had another girl and Kieran Matthew for a boy.

Their son apparently tried to make up for his sister's early appearance by being nearly three weeks over due, his birth eventually being helped along by discovering that there was some truth in the old wives' tales of how to induce labor naturally, with a chicken vindaloo from the Indian down the road, followed by a rather awkward quickie on the sofa.

The problem was that by the time he finally did arrive, Laura had decided that she didn't like the name Kieran anymore, so all their careful preplanning was now useless. They decided on Callum Matthew, after gently rejecting Maddie's suggestions of Tigger and Stitch. However, in between leaving Lorne and actually registering her son's birth, Laura changed his name to Callum James, for no other reason than she had decided that she liked it better.

Their first reaction when Laura's third pregnancy was confirmed was along the lines of, "oh God, we have to name _another _one?"

Their plan this time was to have a short list and make the final decision when the baby was born. Maddie's suggestions ran along the same theme as her ideas for Callum's name and she campaigned very vocally for Nemo, Peach and Dory. Her parents explained that they weren't going to name her new sibling after an animated fish, but her suggestions had sparked off an idea of their own.

The next time that Jennifer Keller visits, Laura makes sure that she leaves a list in plain sight on the coffee table. The look on Jennifer's face when Laura returns from the kitchen with their drinks makes it very hard for Laura to keep her own face straight.

"You and Evan aren't serious about these names, are you?" asks Jennifer, absently taking a mouthful of her drink.

Laura leans carefully back in her chair, one hand resting on her barely noticeable stomach. "Well, we wanted to do something to commemorate where baby was conceived," she explains, trying to hide a smirk.

Jennifer chokes. "You... in... on..." she splutters out.

At this, Laura does smirk. "Yep," she says simply.

Jennifer just stares at her friend at a moment, her face a curious mixture of shock and awe, before she returns to the task at hand. "That still doesn't mean that you should name your kids," she pauses and takes a deep breath. "Mowgli Milo Tarzan Sully or Aurora Lilo Belle Jasmine."

Laura loses it and erupts in peals of laughter as Jennifer reads out the ridiculous names. "April Fools!" she eventually manages to choke out.

Jennifer looks momentarily annoyed before chuckling along with Laura, obviously relieved that her friends hadn't completely lost their minds just yet. When they both calm down sufficiently, she asks if there were any real suggestions.

Laura merely shrugs. "Still working on it," she says. "It's difficult. How on Earth do you do it?"

After all, the only bright side, Lorne and Laura had both agreed while they were naming their third and last, was that at least they hadn't had to name as many as the McKay's.

.

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**6. Always carry pictures of your kids**

Everyone who knows Evan Lorne knows never to ask him how his kids are, unless they have a spare fifteen minutes. Because there's never a short answer and _always_ pictures. Madeline's baby picture, especially, has been shown off all over the Milky Way galaxy. It was a surprisingly effective diplomatic tool, except for that one time when instead of commenting on the baby, the village leader's son instead made a rather vulgar comment on the mother of the child. Lorne was never allowed to return to that planet again after his reaction.

He runs into Zelenka once in Prague. He's there for work and missing his family and against all odds, in a city of nearly one and a half million people, he runs into the only person he knows in the entire _country_.

"Doc? Doc Zelenka?" he exclaims, a grin spreading across his face as he spots the familiar figure

The man looks up, his eyes widening in recognition.

"Major Lorne? No, no, you have left the military now, yes? It is just Mr. Lorne."

"It's Evan," replies Lorne, still smiling. "It's good to see you, Doc. It's been a while."

Zelenka holds up his finger. "If I am to be calling you Evan, then you must be calling me Radek," he says firmly. "But it is very good to see you too. What brings you to my country?"

Lorne shrugs. "Work wanted me to come over to here and to Switzerland for a few days," he explains. "What about you? I remember McKay mentioning something about you leaving the city, but then nothing."

Zelenka huffed. "Oh, you should not depend on Rodney for information," he said. "I would have sent to you, but I lost your information when I moved, I am sorry. I am teaching at the university here. It is nothing compared to Atlantis, but it is home. How is life treating you? You got married, yes, to Lieutenant Cadman? And there was a baby? How is your family now?"

If it was possible for Lorne's smile to grow any bigger, it did. "Absolutely fantastic," he said, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. "Laura got an honorable discharge a couple of years back and we had another two kids after the first. Here, I've got pictures."

.

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**7. Getting your girlfriend pregnant might just be the best mistake you'll ever make**

When Laura left Atlantis to go back to school, Lorne's life suddenly became much emptier. He wrote frequently to her, and she wrote back a little less frequently, her letters full of collegiate tales and her attempts to blow up the lab (and in one instance, the time she actually _did_.)

He visits her every chance he can get, which isn't many at all, but never once does she suggests that they should perhaps call it off; that a long-distance relationship that spanned galaxies was just too much to deal with.

She had been back on Earth for two very long years when he got a letter from her that changed his life forever.

_"So, I had my annual physical today and got some news that I think you're going to find interesting. You know I miss you, but you really didn't have to leave me such a permanent reminder of you. Not that I'm complaining too much about it, but your timing really stinks. Congratulations! You're going to be a father!"_

That night was burned into his memory. He had managed to sneak away from a visit to the SGC about six weeks previously, and after a few too many drinks, they had ended up in a back alley behind the bar, knowing full well that it was a bad idea, but doing it anyway.

Lorne knew immediately what he had to do and in six weeks, he was back on Earth with a new duty station.

Six weeks after that, they were married.

And the rest, as they say, is history.


End file.
